Saturday, February 21, 2009

Strugglin'

When I posted a couple weeks ago, I pretty much laid myself out there emotionally. And then didn't say any more about it. That's not to say there isn't anything more to say, I've just been trying to figure it all out in my head. And in my heart really. If I'm being honest, and I started down the honesty road already so I may as well keep going, I've got some issues. In particular, big self-worth issues.

I know I'm not the only one that struggles with this stuff, at least I hope I'm not, but not because I want anyone else to have to deal with it, just because I hope I'm not alone in it...

I so often focus on the things that I find wrong with myself, whether it's the way my eyes get all squinty when I smile making every picture of me when I'm truly happy one that I can't stand looking at myself in, of the number on the tag of my jeans, or that tears come to me rather easily. Or I focus on the things that I don't think are all that "wrong" with me, but everyone around me seems to think are. Like the whole being single thing, or that I can only take so much time around people before it wears me out and gets me kinda grumpy.

If I make myself sit down and think about some of the good things about myself, I can get there. Like the fact that I care passionately about the people I love. Or that I have a distinctive laugh that I've been told people recognize and miss when I'm not around. Or that I really am blessed beyond measure.

It just makes me sad that those aren't the things that come to mind most often, or really at all unless I make myself. How do you manage to make the good stuff be the stuff you think of first?

3 comments:

Matthew Lorfeld said...

We all love you, Katrina. Remember you're an awesome person and you have a lot of people who look up to you and need you for support. Remember those people when your feeling down. If you ever need anything (like dinner) give me a call. I'm always here for you.
Love, your favorite brother.
Matt

Matthew Lorfeld said...

Check out the song " Sister" by DMB It kind of sums things up. Love you, stay strong.

Anita J. said...

Wow. You taught a lesson to others here, whether you meant to or not. This is some good writing, Katrina.

I don't always put the good stuff first. Sometimes I feel really bogged down, just like you're talking about. I forget that Satan is the accuser (categorizor) of the brethren and I take rotten accusations on as truth.

Maybe I do really need to lose forty pounds. Maybe I do need my teeth bleached...and maybe you could blind me with dental floss when I smile...but those things aren't 'who I am'. Looks and relationship status are just aesthetics and situational.

The things you described as being good qualities are real, honest, desirable character traits. Looks change, relationships change, but your character is who you are. And you seem like a pretty strong woman.

My best advice is to continue to practice arresting those thoughts and deciding where they are coming from. Replace the lies with truths. You are beautiful in a way that actually does count for something. Celebrate that; not everybody has true beauty.