Monday, September 15, 2008

Torn, lost, but still hopeful

I'm completely torn tonight.

On one hand, it was a great night. I have found a church I like for it's worship and teaching, but wasn't real sure how to get connected to anyone at a place that serves thousands of people a week. I was blessed to be part of several small groups during my time in Sheboygan, and was really hoping to find something like that back in Madison. And tonight was the first step. I went to the small group (Life Groups at Blackhawk) kickoff tonight, and at least have a group that I'm part of now. It's strange to think that three years ago, the idea of being in a "small group" of people from church was terrifying. Now it's something I've been needing! I'm also so excited about the fact that it's a group of people who are all pretty much in my demographic. One of the benefits of being at a bigger church, is that there are enough single 20/30 year olds to form a bunch of groups! I've never before been in a group like this, and I'm kind of looking forward to how the dynamics work when people are closer to the same life situation.

I have to admit though, it isn't a whole lot of fun to think about having to learn to be vulnerable
in front of a whole new group of people....

Especially when I'm feeling like this....

So lost. So unloved, and even unloveable. The whole love thing doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. I know I've been at this point before, and I know I'll pull myself (well, ok, I won't do it myself, it never works that way) out of it eventually, but when you're sitting in this place, it flat out sucks. I don't have any better words for it right now. I'm so tempted to draw into myself, to pull away from people. The one thing I know that is different this time around, is that I've started to run to Him. Ok, time for truth, I'm not running to Him, but at least there are a few steps in His direction. And that is better than before.

For now...

"Lord I'm tired, So tired from walking; And Lord I'm so alone, And Lord the dark, is creeping in; Creeping up, to swallow me; I think I'll stop, Rest here awhile. And this is all that I can say right now, And this is all that I can give; And this is all that I can say right now, And this is all that I can give, that's my everything.

And didn't You see me cryin'?, And didn't You hear me call Your name?; Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?, I wish You'd remember, where You sat it down. And this is all that I can say right now, I know it's not much; But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything; This is all that I can say right now, I know it's not much; But this is all that I can give, Yeah that's my everything.

I didn't notice You were standing here; I didn't know that, that was You holding me; I didn't notice You were cryin' too; I didn't know that, that was You washing my feet; And this is all that I can say right now, oh, I know it's not much; But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything."

2 comments:

tracydukefan said...

K - You are SO not alone!! Please reach out to those of us who are more than willing to be there to listen, support, and pray for you. Include me in that group.

Good job going to group tonight. That was probably terrifying and I'm proud of you for taking that step!

Stay hopeful!!

Tabitha said...

I'm so glad that you let me into your world through this blog, Katrina. Going to the kick off meeting was a huge step - way to go on that! You know you are welcome to stop in at your old group at any point in time - we missed you last Sunday!