Monday, January 26, 2009

Am I worth it?

Here it is, me being vulnerable and throwing it all out there. It's 11:00 on a weeknight, which is close to 1:00 on a weekend (see previous post)....

I just sat in my bedroom with 4 girls from my small group for about an hour. Talking about life plans and God's plans and love stories. And I feel like I have none of it, that I want all of it, and that I'm not worthy of any of it. The Bachelor is taped, waiting for me to watch, but that's probably about the worst thing I could do. I am genuinely happy for the girls who were able to share stories about the awesome things going on in their lives, and the people who have been placed in them. But if I'm being real, I'm also genuinely jealous. And it's a completely hard place to be.

Believe me, I know I've had issues before (and still do, hello!) with feeling like I deserve to be loved, that I deserve to be treated with respect, and that I deserve to be cherished. I've had a man walk all over me for years, and I kept getting up asking for more. I've had a man literally hit me. I've had a man lie to me over and over and I've believed his excuses each and everytime. I've seen real love stories, and many times thought that everyone but me deserved it. And tonight... is one of those times.

I just want a love story! It doesn't have to be movie quality, just give me something real!

I've gotten good at convincing myself and other people that I'm just fine on my own, and that I'm completely happy on my own. When you get deep enough into my heart.... not true. Sure, I can survive on my own, but I don't want to. But then you hit the God issues of does it matter what I want? He gives us the desires of our heart, right? But will He give it to me? Do you love me that much, God? Tonight, I question all of it. I'll cry. I'll toss and turn in bed. I'll get angry. Give me the love story!

And this is all bigger than a man. It's easy to focus on that, because that's so forefront in 20-something's lives. And don't get me wrong, I want all that. I want to be a princess. And I want my prince. But I also want a life that's worth something, that is for something bigger than me, something that is for Him. Put me in a spot where I can do something for you, God. And would you mind giving me a man to do it alongside?

Am I worth it to someone? Am I worth it to You?


AD said...

Keep your head up! Of course you're worth it! You've got an office with a door for goodness sakes. Just try to enjoy the little things and let the big things happen in due time.

Anita J. said...

Katrina you seem to have such a sweet heart and such a good, patient attitude toward things. I know that you must be really frustrated. Loneliness stinks. Bad.

I believe God sees you, and cares about the desire of your heart. I do believe there is a purpose, however difficult it might be to see, for this time of waiting. If you had all the answers God has, who knows? You might choose to have yourself sit alone this very night for the same purpose God has allowed it. My love and prayers go out to you, my sister.

Anonymous said...

K, you are more than worth it, you are such an amazing person with such an amazing heart. I love like a sister and am so glad that God put us in eachothers lives, because it just wouldn't be the same with out you!

Anita, I'm going to have to echo your comments, I don't think that I could have said it any better. Thanks for those amazing words!

K, I wish I was there to give you a big hug right now! Know you are in my thoughts and prayers! Love you girlie and lets plan something to get together soon!

Love you!

Anonymous said...

You seem to be tackling some very big issues here. Give me a call whenever. I'm down to go bum around target whenever and talk. I'm here for you sister.
Love, your brother.